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Crazy Flight Announcements You’d Rather Not Hear

Whether you’re a nervous flyer or not, there’s just some things that you don’t want to hear on an airplane at any stage of a journey so we asked around about the craziest flight announcements people have actually experienced. Most of the responses gave us a good laugh, the rest? Well, we might question some pilots’ level of sensitivity training…

 Mr. Pilot, you may want to consider thinking before you speak…

“Welcome to London-Heathrow. I’d like to let you know that the computer landed us today.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you would care to take a look at your in-flight magazine and check out our route on the large map in the centre pages, you will see that we have just crossed the fold in the middle.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the storm is very bad. I will do my best to land the plane.” (Apparently in the translation of the announcement from Hindi to English, the end of the sentence was lost: “…on time.”)

“Apologies for the hard landing ladies and gentlemen it’s first Officer [redacted]’s first solo landing in this class of plane.” (slight pause) “The good news is the tires are still inflated, so that all right then.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have decided to go around again—and this time we will land on the runway.”

 Fingers crossed…

“You may have heard some unusual noises shortly after take-off. It seems that the undercarriage did not fully retract. We therefore recycled it and will now continue our flight to Glasgow, where we hope all will go well for our landing.”

“Don’t worry man, we don’t go that high.” (After a passenger asked for a working seatbelt.)

“I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have a 200mph tailwind, so we should make Amsterdam in record time. The bad news is that it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

Not quite as comforting as you think, mate.

“We’ll attempt this landing, but we might not make it—so we’ll keep coming back around and try it again until we do. We have plenty of fuel.” – Not quite what we want to be doing to start our bargain break to Tenerife, circling the island a few times.

 There’s a reason pilots and comedians don’t share roles…

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to inform you that this is my first flight…” (long pause) “…of the day.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to inform you that we have on board someone very special today. He’s an 89-year-old gentleman making his very first flight. So on leaving the plane, would you please shake hands with your pilot.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be landing in Auckland in about 30 minutes. If you set your watches back 40 years, you’ll be on local time.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this British Airways flight to Denver. If your travel plans do not include visiting Denver, then now would be the perfect time to make yourself known to a member of the cabin crew.”

(On takeoff) “It’s Miller time!”

 This one isn’t actually so bad (for single ladies)…

“On your life jacket, there is a light and a whistle for attracting passing sailors.”

We are definitely going to think twice about complaining the next time we encounter a little turbulence or a less than enthusiastic flight attendant and be thankful we have a seemingly ‘balanced’ pilot instead.